


Lost In Your Love

by Tiayumi



Category: Highlight | Beast (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Colleagues - Freeform, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Oral Sex, Shameless Smut, office!AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-07
Updated: 2017-02-07
Packaged: 2018-09-22 17:04:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9617087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tiayumi/pseuds/Tiayumi
Summary: It was that time of the year again when everything was wrong; he was falling in love with Doojoon, it was snowing and his birthday was coming.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nunie_lullaby](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nunie_lullaby/gifts).



> This oneshot is a very special and meaningful story to me because it is dedicated to my soulmate, nunie_lullaby <3 She is the one who has always been cheering me up and believed in my writing skills since I started to write in english. I wouldn't be there without her... 
> 
> I love you, dear!
> 
> I'm grateful that 2jun brought us together, this ship is never going to die <3

**I**

It was that time of the year when snow covered the gray metallic fences on the streets, when people ran over the melted white powder, excited yet stressed, and when shop windows were decorated with bright lights, green, red and gold – such colorful signs for blatant lies, _happy holidays_.

Sighing, Junhyung was waiting for his train. For him, it was a normal working day, nothing was out of ordinary; Doojoon, his colleague, was late yet he would catch him up once he reached the company, the usual pair (a mother with her crybaby) was there too, a couple of meters ahead of him, so annoying, and the young man was tired, so tired of this routine.

“I'm sorry, Jun.” said Doojoon, out of breath. “I hope our client didn't lose his temper and that you could sign the contract.”

Yet some things (someone) managed to make him forget a little that winter was coming. “Unlike you,” Junhyung smiled as he gave him his files,“ I wasn't late so she noticed nothing and signed the paper without asking questions.”

His colleague took the transparent binders happily, before going to his seat.

“Did you also back me up for the reunion this morning?”

“I did.”

“Man, you're the best!” shouted out Doojoon, grinning as he put his thumb up in his direction.

However, Junhyung wasn't that nice, he wasn't selfless like Doojoon believed he was – the younger male just wanted to kill some loneliness, especially during this period.

“You know what that means though? Next drinks are on you.”

**II**

6th September 2016, at 9 o'clock.

It might sound (a bit) excessive but Yoon Doojoon recalled perfectly when he first met Yong Junhyung, the new marketing consultant who had been added to his team. Despite wearing a simple white shirt and some black trousers, the older male had found him attractive, no, beautiful, and when he had opened his mouth to pronounce his name, _Doojoon-shii_ , the communication manager gasped. 

His voice was so lovely – sweet and sharp though, a hint of assertiveness mixed with kindness. 

“I'm looking forwards to working with you.” 

His eyes were fixed on Junhyung; his hair was blonde, freaking blonde, as if rays of light were blinding him, his teasing smile caught his interest as well as his lips which were fleshy with delicate heart-shaped curves. How come was he so attractive?

“Yeah, me too.” answered the older man, transfixed.

If he could, Doojoon would keep on undressing Junhyung with his eyes, to see if under the layers of his clothes his skin was white and soft and – “What are we going to do today then?” His thoughts were disrupted by the voice of the marketing consultant. 

“I guess,” trailed off the communication manager, “I'll show you around our department before explaining you our ongoing projects.”

Call it love at first sight or whatever but Doojoon needed to be subtle about it.

**III**

They didn't know how but it had become an habit. Them, drinking together until one of them passed out. Bottles of soju, beers, vodka, rum – a swimming pool full of liquors that they would dive in with innocent smiles and giggles.

“Jun-ah, do you like me?”

Well, not so innocent. Everybody hide his intentions, his true feelings (and it seemed Doojoon wasn't good at it).

“Of course, I like you.” said the marketing consultant, hitting playfully the shoulderblade of the older male, “I wouldn't drink with you if it wasn't the case.”

“Yeah, yeah, you always say that but why are you lying to me then?”

Junhyung jolted on his seat. Doojoon was pouting, looking for an answer in his eyes; even if he was drunk, even if all of this wasn't real, the marketing consultant felt naked, caught red handed, so he poured an another drink in his glass.

“About what?” asked Junhyung carefully.

“About everything. I know you are not happy.”

He hesitated. The music was loud, the place was crowded, it was hot, and Doojoon was still keeping his eyes on him. A piercing glance, intense. His conscience knew it was dangerous, you couldn't be friends with your colleague (and superior) because it was impossible. They always lied to you, they always used you, because eventually, one day or another, they obtained the power to dispose of you when you weren't useful anymore.

Yet Junhyung couldn't hear his conscience very well. Doojoon was the only person he felt close to, it was easy to talk to him, it was easy to be himself with the black haired male, it was too easy, really – he just couldn't resist, and his guard broke down.

“I hate all that christmas crap” started Junhyung, upset. “I just want to punch all those fake people wishing me things they don't even believe in the first place. Seriously, I don't need them. Can't I be alone? Can't they stop sending me stupid messages?” 

Listening to him, the communication manager leaned on his drinking buddy's left shoulder and closed his eyes. Junhyung was sad, hurt, he could hear it, it was hidden behind that strong mask he was wearing.

“And even if I don't want to do it, every fucking thing is advertising for trees, gifts or whatever, damnit. I'm fed up with all of this. Can't we get over it and be in spring already? I don't want to see my family.”

So hurt he couldn't hear it anymore. 

“Would you mind me sending you messages? The blonde male turned his head, surprised, and he faced Doojoon, his lips, almost brushing past his. “Would you mind me giving you presents? Would you mind me being with you during the holidays? Tell me,” whispered Doojoon now near his ear, “would you mind it, Jun-ah?”

What were they doing? They were supposed to drink, they were supposed to kill their sorrow. Clouded by the liquor, Doojoon didn't realize what he was saying, what he was asking for yet his colleague was sober enough to understand it.

“I would mind,” he stepped back before smiling though, “but I wouldn't mind you kissing me.” 

**IV**

Junhyung wasn't stupid; he had noticed the way the older male was looking at him, full of desire, the way he was talking to him, _Jun-ah_ , the way he was touching him, lightly, leaving marks, making him shiver with softness and although he didn't want to go too fast, Junhyung wanted to feel the black haired man – to know what it was like to be embraced by such a man.

So it was stupid to have invited him to come over to his place when they were so drunk, they would make mistakes, obviously.

“Kiss me.” Junhyung demanded as he passed his hands around his colleague's neck.

“Are you sure?” laughed the older man against his lips.

It didn't seem like it but Doojoon was very perceptive, it was as if he could see right through him – a thing that scared Junhyung to no end. Did he know that he had (to some extent) some feelings for him? Junhyung pushed his tongue into his mouth. Of course not. His hands went under his shirt, his fingers tracing his soft skin, while Doojoon was trying to breath each time they broke their kiss. It was physical, that's what the marketing consultant thought, one mistake led to an another.

“Junhyung,” Doojoon whispered yet the blonde male cut him by sucking his adam apple, and it was killing him, that friction, “what are we doing?” 

He was confused. A part of him wanted to fuck Junhyung restlessly while the other part wanted simply to make him his – to own his heart, not just his body (something someone normally in love would do) yet what they were living was not normal.

“Just listen to the alcohol in your veins.” laughed the younger male, holding his shaking hands.

Casting aside the fact that Junhyung was his colleague, his crush, Doojoon started to undress him, the leather pants of the blonde male falling on the floor once he removed his black belt, soon after the shirt was torn apart. 

“I want to fuck you.”

He smiled. Oh he couldn't wait, Doojoon was so different from how he was in the office (or maybe it was the alcohol, Junhyung didn't know). The communication manager had laid him down on the bed and god, Junhyung was so beautiful – sinful like he had fantasized in his dreams. His nipples, his stomach, his navel, the thin line of hair above his underwear; Doojoon wanted to skin everything with his tongue.

Holding the sheets, the blonde male arched his back every time he felt the tongue of Doojoon on him, licking, sucking, wetting – torturing his whole body so much it was driving him insane. 

“Fuck me already.”

The older male smirked as he glanced at his underwear, a tent more than visible.

“I'm going to choke you with my dick.” said Doojoon, putting one of his knees between his legs, “so stop your nagging.”

“I didn't think you were the type to dirty talk, you seem to be cheesy and romantic though.” 

Could he just shut up? Junhyung's playful voice made it hard to focus on what he was doing. Doojoon lowered his boxer and glared at his erected member – thin, long, hard, _so yummy_. He wanted to taste it, swallow it down, yet his colleague needed to learn a little bit of discipline first.

Waiting for his reaction, the black haired male grabbed his dick with one hand, “Ah – yes,” Junhyung moaned, before he took his own with the other one, moving his hips suddenly and making them rubbing against each other.

“What the fuck you're doing?” jerked the blonde male in the hands of Doojoon but he didn't listen to him, he leaned on him, sticking his whole body against his, heating up the friction between them (as if it was even more possible) and he kissed him, deeply, his tongue exploring every inch of his mouth, his teeth biting his heart-shaped lips, his breathing, in and out, intoxicating him, while his hands were pressing against each of their members, some pre-cum licking from their slits, the liquid wetting his fingers.

“Doojoon, ah, damn you.” 

Junhyung scratched the older male's back, his nails penetrated his flesh – it was too much, too much teasing for him. His legs encircled his waist and it made it worse when he moved, so much worse. He wanted it so bad; Junhyung was losing his mind, he was about to beg for it, he was about to scream his name yet the communication manager shushed him with a kiss again.

Doojoon's kisses were addictive, like alcohol, they tasted rum, vodka – strong and explosive it made his head dizzy, it made his whole body thirsty for more, more of him, more of whatever Doojoon had in store for him (Junhyung wasn't coherent anymore).

“So,” asked the black haired male pleased of himself, “don't you find it cute the way our dicks are aching for each other?”He tightened his grip, making the younger male moan, “Don't you find it romantic the way I'm looking at you right now, Jun-ah?”

The marketing consultant had a hard time to retort to him; his lips were swollen, his chest couldn't stop lifting up and down, his nervous system had been paralyzed. How could he say such thing with a straight face?

“I find it disturbing, not romantic at all.”

Doojoon laughed, “Yet you love it.”

“Alcohol tends to make me think differently though.” 

It was an excuse – he wanted this, he had wanted to sleep with Doojoon since the beginning, since the communication manager had started to hit on him. Junhyung wouldn't say he was in love with him, just that it was complicated and that everything escalated quickly.

**V**

Nothing had changed between them after that crazy and fuzzy night. The snow was piling up outside, the wind was whipping the windows, it was distracting – it made it hard to focus on the figures on the screen, hard to not look at his colleague, hard to not remember the facts.

“Need an another cup of coffee?” offered Doojoon when he met his glance.

Junhyung nodded his head slowly. He didn't regret what they had done, he had needed it, releasing some pressure, some frustration, and besides it wasn't the first time that the marketing consultant had some casual sex. All he had needed was Doojoon, and he had given it to him, so what was the problem?

Why did he feel the urge to distance himself from the black haired male? Doojoon was actually the only person he talked to in this company; he didn't know why (nor how) he just clicked right away with the man the day the communication manager had showed him around the place. They had laughed, a lot. It had felt refreshing during those autumn days usually cold, rainy – _lonely_.

And now, as Junhyung got up and took the cup of coffee in the hands of Doojoon, blushing, it felt hot during these winter days.

“Thank you,” the marketing consultant was tempted to add 'you're so sweet' yet he flatly said his name, “Doojoon.”

He should talk to him, he should tell him what was bothering him; after all, nothing had changed between them, right? (but Junhyung guessed he should understand what was going wrong inside of him first).

“You're welcome.”

He smiled.

It felt hot.

**VI**

They were stuck in the traffic jam; Doojoon's eyes were glued on the road and Junhyung was looking through the passenger window, at the mess caused by the melting snow, the black ice and the fog. An ambulance was not far way and he could see the people, gathering around the damaged car and the truck, the drama – the misfortune of others arousing their curiosity.

He sighed, “I'm sorry, because of me it seems like you won't be home before a long time.”

“It's okay,” answered the communication manager. “I'm with you so it is worth it.”

Junhyung couldn't help smiling, Doojoon was still flirting with him after that day, he was still interested in him, it wasn't a simple fuck nor a meaningless one night stand but still the blonde male didn't want to acknowledge that he loved him, because it wasn't that, it wasn't right.

“But really, forgetting your metro card, how did that happen?”

“Well...”

The marketing consultant wouldn't admit either that it was because he had been thinking about him way too much that he had forgotten his card on the table, in the kitchen, and that he had been late because he hadn't had enough sleep, _sweet insomnia_.

No, he couldn't, “I was too tired.” because it wasn't that, it wasn't right.

**VII**

“Have you gone mad?”

“No, I guess.” 

“You guess?” repeated Junsu, the bestfriend of Doojoon, appalled. “Let me sum up your situation: you are head over heels with Yong Junhyung, your collegue, a guy with whom you must work everyday. You intended to court him yet you fucked up, literally, and had sex with him in his apartment while you were drunk. Then, the guy asked you to act as if nothing had happened, still playing hard to get, and you can't stop thinking about him. Shall I continue?

It was worse than he had imagined. Doojoon laughed nervously, crossing his legs under the table,“Please do.”

After sipping his hot chocolate, Junsu resumed his speech, “Just forget about him. You are mixing your professional life with your private life and it's going to hurt you. Seriously,” he sighed, “did you think about your career? Why do you even love him in the first place?”

His bestfriend was rarely angry; it had been more than eight years since they knew each other and the only times he got this angry were when he had destroyed his tv with a soccer ball, when he had barged in as his bestfriend was making out with his boyfriend, (a pretty shocking view Doojoon must admit), and when they had argued because the black haired male couldn't keep in the flat they shared at that time the kitten he had rescued.

Junsu massaged his head. Well, it seemed that he was more worried than angry actually. Doojoon might be the manager of a communication team yet his bestfriend knew how reckless he could be.

“I'm sorry. I know what I'm doing is wrong, I know. It's just that my co – Yong Junhyung, I mean, seems to, I don't know, need me.”

Like now, so reckless. 

“There is something, invisible” Doojoon added, looking at the sugar melting in his coffee, “that attracts me to him. Even if he doesn't love me back, I want to try.” The communication manager paused before his lips stretched into a smile, “Don't make that face, Junsu. After all, it's not the first time that I got rejected, I'm not a kid, you know. I'm an adult.” 

“Are you really sure about that?”

“Dude, I'm 27, come on.” 

“I know, stop taking everything I said so seriously.” laughed his bestfriend, before having a bite of the cheesecake he had ordered.

Why would Doojoon call him if he didn't follow his bestfriend's advices? 

“Anyway, thanks for listening to me, Junsu. Even though you don't want to hear about my sex life, it's a pity, really.” 

Because Junsu knew, he smiled as he heard Doojoon's words, that he would make the younger male feel better.

“I don't think I want to know in details how your dick enter in other people's ass.” 

“Why is that? You could learn new techniques from me. Oh wait, don't tell me you always take it in the butt...”

Junsu was glad that there was no one sat around them in the coffee shop; he could hit him and scream at Doojoon at his heart's content. 

**VIII**

Hot, where his lips touched his skin, hot, where his tongue traced his tattoos, hot, and burnt when he saw his reflection in his eyes – so needy, clouded, shameful; Junhyung felt like it was a teenager again. He wanted to kiss Doojoon, he wanted to feel him again. It had been too long already since he hadn't (that night seemed so far away already), and Junhyung didn't understand his brain, his hormones or whatever was running in his blood anymore, he just knew he wanted him.

“Can I do something stupid?” asked the marketing consultant, conflicted with all the dirty pictures he had on his mind.

Doojoon stopped reading his report, lifting his head a little, and glared at Junhyung who was looking at him as if it was the end of the world, serious. 

“Yes.”

His heartbeat racing, he went behind the desk of the communication manager, pushed slightly the chair the black haired male was sat on, and straddled him, his lips brushing his as he leant near his face.

“Jun – what are you doing?”

The blonde male bite his bottom lip as he kissed him. “Something really stupid, I'm afraid.” breathed out Junhyung.

Doojoon was in love with him, Doojoon had feelings for him, so he needed more than a kiss, he needed more than his body, he needed so much more than this.

“I thought nothing had happened that night, I thought it was my imagination actually.”

While he was speaking, Junhyung's hands fell on his waist, his fingers were travelling under his shirt, then as he lowered his pants slowly, they were travelling under his underwear, Jun-ah, yet they kept on moving, on stroking, on playing with his feels.

“Listen to me.” said Doojoon, upset.

He didn't want them to become colleagues (friends) with benefits, he wanted them to become lovers, boyfriends, but even though he had told Junsu that he would confess his love, that he was an adult – it wasn't that easy, it was scary, and Doojoon was afraid that it would make things even weirder between them (as if it wasn't weird already) and that it would make Junhyung run away because the marketing consultant didn't seem to be the type of guy to search for commitment.

“Are you drunk?”

Junhyung shook his head.

“Do I look drunk to you? I know exactly what I'm doing: I'm masturbating you in our office,” the blonde male stated matter-of-factly, “does it scare you? I can stop if you want.”

Of course it was scaring him. Since that night, the marketing consultant had always acted shy; Doojoon could remember the way his cheeks were red when Doojoon brought him a cup of coffee or, too embarrassed, the way he couldn't meet his eyes when he dropped Junhyung off at his place (because he had forgotten his metro card). He could remember everything, every interactions between them that Junhyung was desperately trying to keep strictly professional – avoiding and denying his glance, his jokes, his advances, everything, _so cute._

What had happened? 

Doojoon moaned, “No, it's just strange,” and he let him do what the other male wanted. Junhyung shifted, putting himself between his legs, moving down the fabric, and his member popped out, hard.

“Why?” asked the younger male, licking his lips before he opened his mouth to let slide it in.

Unfazed, Doojoon grabbed his hair, slowly pulling him towards himself, it went deeper, “Why do you need me so much now?” and Junhyung almost choked.

He didn't expect those words – why did he need him, he asked. The marketing consultant couldn't tell him the truth; even though nothing had changed between them, even though he had realized he liked him, it still didn't feel right.

Junhyung put his hands on Doojoon's tights to regain his composure, to slow everything down – to stop this madness.

“Do I need a reason to need you?” the blonde male asked with a smile, amused.

His answer (question) broke Doojoon's heart because it was at that moment that he knew, as he let Junhyung touched him again, his tongue swirling around the underside of his cock, that he was losing himself in his love.

“No, you don't need one.” 

**IX**

It wasn't healthy to have sex (so much) with him, it wasn't healthy yet Doojoon couldn't help but to give in – Junhyung was so perfect, the way he fitted in his arms, the way he called his name, the way he depended on him, _so not healthy_. It had some after-effects: like Junsu had said, the older male couldn't be unbiased when they worked with the other members of the team, he found it hard to focus in the office because he would remember everytime all the things he had done with Junhyung there, he was also stressed and unproductive because they weren't official (maybe Junhyung was seeing someone else, who knows?), and it was making him sick, jealous, especially when the marketing consultant was acting distant, like now.

“Are you planning something for the holidays?” questioned Doojoon, bottling up his inner feelings as much as he could.

“Nothing.”

Cold, as ice. He knew he wasn't his boyfriend, he knew he wasn't his lover yet he was still something, something he couldn't define but still something though.

“Tell me, Jun-ah,” said Doojoon as he nibbled a patch of his skin, some hickeys which Junhyung was hiding underneath his scarf, “or I'm going to hurt you.”

The blonde male frowned, “Are you blackmailing me?”

Annoyed, Doojoon bite him and, _damn you_ , Junhyung closed his eyes, the sudden pain spreading through his whole neck. “I've warned you.” had said Doojoon who was now kissing his collarbone.

“You're overreacting.”

He wasn't, it was normal to ask his plans when some weeks ago, somehow, they had started to go out together; the blonde male slept with him on regular basis, he worked with him and requested him almost everyday, he told him what was on his mind (while they had sex or drank) so why was it so hard for him to open up himself when Junhyung used to do it before (like at the beginning of their relationship) ? 

Should he fuck him now so that Doojoon got to hear what he wanted from him? 

Junhyung's behavior was driving him nuts and it was making Doojoon more and more reckless, that's why without checking if there was someone in the corridor, he hugged the younger male from behind, which made Junhyung startled.

“Please, tell me.”

Doojoon's voice was low, deep, desperate. His words slowly penetrating him – and he felt bad, it hurt. The marketing consultant hated this period so much that even his colleague could read him like an open book now, he couldn't hide them anymore, his inner feelings, the cold and disgut that winter arose within him, the barrier it had built around them. 

“Nothing, I swear.” whispered Junhyung trapped in Doojoon's embrace. “Nothing.”

His arms encircled him tighter yet the blonde male felt worse – it was that time of the year again when everything was wrong; he was falling in love with Doojoon, it was snowing and his birthday was coming.

**X**

(His phone rang and Junhyung froze as he looked at the name displayed on the screen:

 _Jang Hyunseung_.

“I don't care about the consequences, I'm not going.” stated the marketing consultant before hanging up immediately.

Everything was going wrong.)

**XI**

It was none of his business, he shouldn't get involved in this, he would definitely blow his cover if Junhyung heard about it yet seeing all the chaos that the red-haired male with tattoos and piercings was creating at the reception, screaming that he wanted to see a certain Yong Junhyung, Doojoon couldn't help himself but come to the sides of the unexpected guest.

“I'm the communication manager, how can I help you, sir?”

“Thank God, someone who is competent.” snapped the red-haired male, rolling his eyes as he glared at the receptionist who was crying. “I have an appointment with Yong Junhyung, lead me to him.”

Doojoon frowned. Who the fuck was that guy? He always reviewed with Junhyung the planning of the day and his colleague never mentioned such a thing. Besides, he didn't look like a client, more like...

“I'm Jang Hyunseung, his half brother.”

Someone annoying, close to him. 

Yet the older male didn't care.

“I see, it's not good lying, you know,” answered Doojoon with a beautiful fake smile, “you have no appointment with him and being his half brother doesn't give you the right to mess up his schedule and mine at the same time, by the way.”

Hyunseung grinned as he read the name on the badge around his neck, “It was worth trying, Yoon Doojoon-shii. I shall wait for him to come then,” he retorted while he went to take a seat in the waiting room, not at all disconcerted, “See ya.”

Junhyung's half brother... So annoying.

**XII**

When Doojoon asked him about Hyunseung in the office, the blonde male refused to say anything. His breathing started to become irregular, his hands got clammy, and his heartbeat was off; Junhyung tensed up.

“I'm coming back.”

His eyes followed the marketing consultant, his little frame being engulfed in the darkness of the corridor outside – Doojoon couldn't let him go away like that. He didn't care if Junhyung would find him crazy, no, creepy and obsessive, but he would stalk him if he needed to.

That's why right now Doojoon was hidden behind the wall, his fists clenched, listening to them carefully as millions of thoughts were running in his head, _what happened between them, what the fuck_.

“Why don't you try to kill yourself like you always do, Junnie? It's the perfect period for that, don't you think so? It is snowing.”

Junhyung stayed silent.

“What are you going to say to her – to our dear Hyuna? Which excuses will you find this time for not coming to our sweet family reunion, I'm curious, really.”

Deadly silence, still floating in the air.

“You're so pathetic.” laughed Hyunseung, “Like father said, you should have never been born in the first place.” 

At this point, Doojoon swore he could hear in the distance Junhyung's heart break, _crack_ , and it made him mad – the man he loved was crying and there was nothing he could do (except perhaps killing that Jang Hyunseung later)

**XIII**

The communication manager was reading the employees' files in the human resources office, distressed. Junhyung had left yesterday in the middle of the day and he hadn't come back; he hadn't contacted him, he hadn't looked for him although the younger male always did when something happened – because yes, Doojoon had realized already that everytime Junhyung wanted (needed) him, it was because something was wrong.

He was being used. Junhyung didn't really love him for what he was and that's why Junsu had warned him more than once that he had to stop sleeping with him, stop tending his wounds, stop smiling at him, stop looking at him, just stop loving him.

Doojoon couldn't stop.

When he read Junhyung's profile, everything clicked in his twisted mind.

(19th December, it was today.)

Only a fool could fall for someone like that, only a fool. 

**XIV**

Numb. Empty. Junhyung was lying in his bed, looking at the ceiling, his mind wandering where he hadn't dared to since a long time: his memories. 

Today was his birthday, and as usual he was alone. He wasn't sad though, he got accustomed to it (after all, he had no choices if he wanted to survive). Since the death of Hyuna's mother (or Hyunseung's mother), the doctor had stated that he had developed a fear, a phobia because he couldn't bear the pain, he couldn't bear the fact that he was to blame.

(Fragapanephobia – (n.) the fear of celebrating one's birthday.)

White and soft powder tainted with red, snow melting with blood, death. It was what he got instead of a birthday cake, and his life had never been the same since she was gone. 

Each time it got closer to that fateful date, 19th December, Junhyung became a shadow of himself although it wasn't only during that period of time, fear was slowly eating up his whole life and he hadn't realized it.

He curled himself under the blanket, closing his eyes, and he wished he could disappear into the darkness.

“Jun-ah, open me up, I know you're there.” heard Junhyung in the distance, behind the close door. It was Doojoon's voice, warm, reassuring and strong.

Yet Junhyung panicked, his body shaking.

“Open up.”

His heart hurt so much, he wanted to see Doojoon, he wanted to, but he didn't want to make the older man suffer either because he knew what would happen if he opened the door. He would have sex with him, he would use him to feel better and it wasn't right, he couldn't do that anymore.

“Do you want me to kick down your door?”

It wasn't fair, he really didn't want to. Why did he leave him no choice? Junhyung got up, holding tightly the blanket around him to obtain some strength yet as soon as he unlocked the door the black haired male stepped in and pulled him into his arms, which made the blanket fall at their feet.

“I thought you were dead, I thought I would never see you again.” said the communication manager so quickly that the younger male almost didn't distinguish his words. “Damn you.”

“Doojoon...” whispered Junhyung, tears already wetting his eyes, “I'm – I'm sorry.”

He didn't know why his colleague thought he would commit a suicide but he took a wild guess it had something to do with Hyunseung so it was better to forget everything. It was better to lose himself in those arms, in this love.

“I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.” couldn't help repeating Junhyung, broken.

As Doojoon lifted his chin with his index, drowning his eyes into Junhyung's sadness, he rubbed his finger against his lips before parting them and slide his tongue between them, slowly, putting his hands softly behind his head as his back hit the wall.

“Doojoon,” managed to say the blonde male between his kisses, “I need you, I need you so much it hurts.”

He kissed him; he didn't let Junhyung breathe, he didn't let him escape. Doojoon knew it all too well that he wanted him – the marketing consultant was only wearing an oversize white t-shirt and a pair of boxer so it was easy to feel it, it was easy to touch his member through his remaining clothes.

“I know, that's why I love you.”

 _Best way to confess your love: jerk him off._ If Junsu had been in front of him, he would have punched him. There was no way he could turn back now even if he wanted to.

“Don't say things like that when you are touching me like – ah, this.”

Junhyung was holding Doojoon's stare, uneasy, whimpering because the older man was giving him an handjob painfully slow and sweet and intense as his tightened his grip, as he played with the thin skin on the tip, as he rubbed it against the fabric of his clothes and as – the blonde male just fell deeper for him. His colleague, Doojoon, was loving him.

It was wrong. 

He brought him in his room, he sat on his bed while he was watching Doojoon undressing himself, he should enjoy it, he should say dirty jokes to turn him on more but it was the 19th December, it was the day he had killed Hyuna's mother, it was the day he had lost the only person who loved him, the only person who wanted him to live in this sick family.

Junhyung panicked when he couldn't see Doojoon, when all he could see was that car accident, the snow, the arm of his stepmother on the ground – red.

He was crying.

“Where are you? Where are you, Doojoon?”

The black haired male kissed his temple before he whispered, “Right here, I'm right here.”

He clung to him, afraid of being alone, afraid of being left behind. The sirens were screaming, his father was beating him, _it is your fault_.

Doojoon didn't know what to do at this point; he knew Junhyung had some issues, he had understood it from the way the blonde male always complained about winter or christmas, or from the way he always tried to isolate himself from everyone, or even from the way he didn't want to acknowledge their relationship although Junhyung loved him so much, and then the conversation with his half-brother he had overheard yesterday had made everything clear.

“I love you, Junhyung. I know it is your birthday today and that you hate it but I'm glad that you were born. You are such an amazing and beautiful person, I love you.”

The marketing consultant hide his face with his hands, still crying, “It's not true, I'm disgusting. I'm only using you because I'm fucked up and broken... There is nothing that you can do about that.”

No matter what he would say, there was no turning back. Doojoon smiled and started trailing kisses on his collarbone, on his torso, on his nipples, sucking them before going down. “Everything about you is beautiful, just let me love you and you'll see how beautiful you are.”

“What are you doing?” asked Junhyung when he felt Doojoon lifting his legs and parting his buttocks.

“Proving you my point.”

As he licked his ass hole, the blonde male gasped, hiding even more behind his hands, “Don't lick me there. Are you crazy, Doojoon?!”

Yet he didn't stop and even introduced his tongue a little, and Junhyung lost it all, begging him to stop while he shamelessly moaned when the communication manager was swirling around his hole.

“You are insane,” said the blonde male, holding his own dick to prevent himself from coming. “and I'm so sick to enjoy this...”

“No,” answered Doojoon with a smile, “we are just crazy in love.”

This time he wouldn't deny it, this time he wouldn't run away, “I guess we are.”

Usually Junhyung liked to watch Doojoon's face, _so beautiful_ , as he thrusted inside of him, as he lost control until he reached his orgasm, strong, dark and wild, or until he became lifeless and fell in his arms, exhausted – it was making Junhyung feel good, it was making him happy, desired, but this time he wanted to make Doojoon feel good.

The blonde male grabbed the lube which was stored in his drawer and applied it loosely on his oversensitive hole – tiny and tight yet so greedy. Embarrassed, he turned around and got down on his hands and knees, the liquid from his ass dripping on his legs and the sheets, then, blushing, the young male bent down a little and hid his head in the pillow.

“It's all yours, take me like you want.” 

Junhyung was so willing, so obedient, he would do anything to have his dick; Doojoon had now the urge to fuck him hard, so hard into the mattress but he held himself back. He took his member and placed the head of his penis at the entrance, rubbing the stretched skin around the hole, then slowly penetrating him, several centimeters in, before he pulled it out.

“Oh my god, why?” complained Junhyung loudly, already being overwhelmed by the pleasure, “Why did you stop? I want it.”

Doojoon laughed softy near his left ear, “How much do you want it?”

“I want this much.” 

To demonstrate his answer, Junhyung took his own fingers and plunged them into himself as he panted the name of Doojoon, _this_ , three fingers, _much_. 

The marketing consultant was such a tease, it was a torture, really; he might be the bottom, the one to take it into the ass, but Doojoon felt like it was the opposite – Junhyung was fucking up his brain.

Excited, the black haired male seized his waist and entered him in one go, with everything he got, and Junhyung's breathing stopped, his back arched suddenly. While he was moving, Doojoon let his hands run on his skin, from his waist to his tights, from his tights to Junhyung's acking cock.

It wasn't enough.

“Do you love me?”

He wanted to reach it, he wanted to reach his prostate to make him scream in his pillow, so loud, so hard that it would be as if nothing was covering his mouth.

“Yes,” he made him bent a little on his elbows, his ass going up, higher, _there_ , “I love you, so much, ah, god, Doojoon,” said Junhyung, completely lost in his world.

It was that spot. He could feel it, his insides were squirming and twisting around his cock – so good, so tight. Doojoon's free hand took a hold of Junhyung's hard member and he stroked it as he thrusted in him at the same time.

Over and over again, Junhyung felt fulfilled, on the verge to pass out, only the pain in his stomach was keeping him awake – he wanted to cum, his body couldn't hold it anymore yet it seemed like Doojoon had other plans for him.

“Let it go...” His hand was caressing his balls while his member was burying deeper and deeper inside of him, it hurt, the pleasure was too much, “Please, Doojoon.” He slowed down the pace and pulled out.

“Can I drink you?”

Junhyung clenched his teeth, his legs giving up on him, and he layed down on the bed, almost curling himself due to the waves of pleasure he felt.

“I said I was yours,” said the marketing consultant, leaving Doojoon an another hickey on his neck once he was within reach – still too far away from him. “Just do what you want.”

“And if I want to torture you more? To not let you cum, to deny you what you always deny me all this time, my sweetheart.” grinned the older man, his eyes shining with mischief. “What will you do?”

The blonde male gulped; he didn't know what he would do. How could he think of something coherent to say when he had to picture in his mind Doojoon denying his orgasm? His body (and mind) were about to break down. What a sadist.

“You're shaking...” the communication manager noticed as he opened his legs wide open, “Are you looking forwards to me sucking you deep in my throat?” He laughed, seeing his cock reacting at his words, Junhyung was so cute, he had no idea how much he was loving the blonde male right now.

Yet Junhyung had an idea of it, he could feel his love like he had never felt before. He hid his face again, ashamed; he was so weak, he was melting under the intoxicating touch of Doojoon, and there was nothing he could do about it. Nothing.

“I just wanna cum.” cried Junhyung at this point, biting his lips. 

“Well then, give me your love, babe.”

The black haired male loosened up his iron grip on his acking cock yet Junhyung was still crying though, he was licking off the sperm that was trickling already, _so sweet and thick_ , before Doojoon swallowed it down whole because he wanted to suck up everything – he wanted it all, everything from him.

Screaming, barely holding Doojoon's hair, Junhyung released his semen in his mouth and his voice went even higher when he felt that the older man put the tip of his tongue on his slit, blocking the squirt from flowing freely on purpose, which made Junhyung move frenetically, to the left, to the right, up and down.

Some of it splashed on his face, on his stomach, on the sheets, it was a mess. 

“You're so good, Jun-ah.” said Doojoon, licking his lips. “So so good, you deserve an another gift from me.”

Junhyung had passed out for several seconds yet when his senses came back, his body reacted immediately. Doojoon was pounding in his ass again, each back and forth was slow but deep, so deep Junhyung didn't know the sense of his life anymore (who he was, what he was doing, who cared) because the older man had placed his legs on his shoulders to have a better access, a better angle to reach his sweetest point.

“Are you still alive?” breathed out Doojoon, smiling.

“No, you killed me.”

He moaned, it hit there, again. His moves were more and more irregular, uncontrolled, because Doojoon could feel the end. However, to Junhyung it felt like it was never ending, his body was oversensitive so each move, each time he was touched deep inside, it hurt, electric shocks were spreading from his head to his toes.

Junhyung was about to complain about it when suddenly the black haired male stopped thrusting, and the blonde male met his eyes, quizzical. 

“Happy birthday.”

Doojoon came, he filled his ass, he filled all the emptiness in his heart. 

“I love you.”

Junhyung's cheeks turned red and he avoided his gaze, because it was too much, it was too cheesy – well, he couldn't admit that he was simply too happy, actually.

“Will you become my boyfriend now?” asked Doojoon without an ounce of shame, pulling out from the younger male's ass.

“Are you seriously asking me to date you after you fucked me like this?”

He laughed. 

“Yes, is that a problem?” 

Doojoon was sure that Junsu would hit him once he knew how they got officially together.

**XV**

(19th December, one year later.

Today, it was his birthday and all Junhyung could remember was how he had made the best decision in his life by accepting Doojoon's proposal and that he had had mindblowing sex with his horny, dirty, sadist but dorky and cheesy boyfriend.)


End file.
